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a few attempts at humor

Since redesigning the newsletter at LifePoint, I’ve included a side column that features a bit of humor. A few samples should suffice …

Forgotten Bible Slogans

  • When it comes to building the perfect ship, nothing works better than gopher wood.
  • Prophets may rock but shepherds rule.
  • Why betray a friend with a handshake when you can do it with a kiss?
  • Rebellion isn’t cool.
  • Don’t blame the locusts.
  • Healthy miracles are high in Omega-3 Fatty Acids.
  • In hell, all the coffee is cold.
  • Love your neighbor but choose your neighborhood wisely.
  • Recycle your papyrus.
  • WWJD: What Would Jesus Drive?

If Church Were More Like Starbucks

  • Worship leaders would be called worship baristas and be expected to remember your favorite songs.
  • Communion would taste more like biscotti.
  • With leather seats and catchy music, you might actually be tempted to stick around when it’s over.
  • Your favorite song would have ten different words in the title, one of which would be soy.
  • Contribution gift cards.
  • T-Mobile Hot Spots in the sanctuary.
  • Angry neighbors would complain about the “gentrification” of their neighborhood. And then they would come anyway.
  • Church newsletters would carry the disclaimer: Caution Contents Are Very Hot.

Songs You May Never Hear Quoted at LifePoint

  • Shoplifters of the World Unite (The Smiths)
  • Nothing’s Gonna Change My Clothes (They Might Be Giants)
  • I Love You But You’re Boring (The Beautiful South)
  • I Got My Mojo Working And I Thought You’d Like To Know (The Young Fresh Fellows)
  • All The Things You Could Be By Now If Sigmund Freud’s Wife Was Your Mother (Charles Mingus)
  • A Short Reprise for Mary Todd, Who Went Insane, But for Very Good Reasons (Sufjan Stevens)
  • We the Cats Shall Hep Ya (Cab Calloway)
  • Kicker Of Elves (Guided By Voices)
  • Satan Gave Me a Taco (Beck)